As many of you know we believe God has called us to plant a church and are working on doing just that. However it has been truly a season of learning for us as we traverse these unknown waters in an unknown land. A lot of the time I am left feeling lost, alone, abandoned and failing because there is no church. Not only are we dealing with the vision of planting the church but the financial burden of not being able to find a job since people with skills for ministry are not necessarily hot commodities outside the church. God has provided and we believe and stand in faith that He will show Himself faithful as He always does, but lets face it, it doesn’t take the stress away. I know, I know Im not very strong in my faith if Im stressing out. Well Im learning and growing and it took me almost 2 years to take the plunge into this calling, so Im sure Ill get there. Where my faith will produce flowing fields of cash laden trees that I dance through without a care in the world. Or maybe just maybe this is the proving ground of where God is proving to me His faithfulness so as I embark on His call for our lives I do so on a foundation that knows from personal experience not conceptualized faith. Its easy to say I would have faith or to tell someone to have faith in a situation your not in. But to actually have faith in that situation is something totally different.
Faith is a beautiful thing especially when its placed in God and we see His mighty hand at work in the end. So let me rephrase that, the end result of faith is gorgeous, but the process is sometimes pitiful. From constantly battling doubt and fear to feeling victorious one day and failing the next. In this season we have jumped off the ledge and its hard at times not to spin around and try and grab at anything and everything to stop the descent and at other moments you close your eyes and just enjoy the rushing wind and adventure of not knowing when the impact will come. But often times those moments are quickly overshadowed by moments of guilt feeling like Im not doing enough to provide for my family or I should be doing more to engage the call that God has placed on our lives. Its through these times and this season that we have come to realize that we are in a season of sabbatical, a sort of incubation period. I have been called to write a book on my first ten years of ministry as a youth pastor. It was rough to say the least. I was unprepared after college, unaware that people in the church behaved the way they did, unaware there were such things as abusive pastors and unrelenting in my pursuit of the vision God gave me, often times to a fault. To say I have left youth ministry and my first decade of ministry wounded, would be a grave misnomer. I am excited about this season but coming from a season of what I call business ministry, where ministry is about business and accomplishing things rather than focusing on people and relationships, I was and am left like a fiend looking for my next ministry fix. Hearing God tell me to abide in Him and rest during this season is like giving an ADHD child a yard of pixie stick powder and tell them to sit in a library and read the Bio of George Washington. But through all the false starts, mistakes, humility and struggle I have faced in this few months I have learned three very valuable things I must hold on to as I traverse this journey.
The first key is peace. A great voice of wisdom and partner in this seas has consistently told us to be led by the peace of the Lord. It never made sense, until now. There are so many times I get excited ideas and dreams and think we could do it NOW. I begin to jump into action thinking its a great idea, I share it with my team and start planning only to have 72 hours pass and feel so unfulfilled and discomforted with the idea. Again as I learn this is a bi-product of my last season of ministry where business was boss and if you weren’t taking ground you were loosing it. Its been a struggle to learn to let things lie and wait on the peace of the Lord. I find more and more Im successful at protecting myself, my team and my ministry the more I move slow and let the peace of God lead me. There are times undoubtedly where God will stir you with passion and peace to move immediately, but to be effective we must be strategic and to be strategic we must be thought out which takes time. Gods peace has not just lead us in this season it has held us in this season as well. When we are facing mounting financial pressure and dont know what to do we seem to find a sense of peace while the Lord prepares us for His outpouring. Which leads me to the second key I have learned, preparation.
As a leader your ministry will rise and fall on you. Ive learned time and time again how not to do ministry by the things I have seen modeled by pastors over the years and there is a burning desire to be the best I can be for the success of Gods purpose for my life. Its in this season that I find that God is preparing us for whats ahead. I left ministry thinking I was ready to go, lets do this. So to be in a season where God says your not ready is very humbling. There comes a point in time as well where you have to choose pride or preparation. For a while I wrestled with the hurt and broken areas from ministry because I blamed others. But, at some point I had to say God show me everything you want fixed. And when I submitted I found myself open to the ideas of what He was showing me and I began to discover that although I did nothing wrong my heart and the offense and bitterness I held on to was. I had to come to grips with humbling myself and asking for forgiveness or face not being able to hold onto what God has called us to do because my hands were to full of other things. Thats what I believe causes issues in ministry when leaders hold on to things and dont let go they loose there grip on where God is taking them and rather than lay it down and catch up they get left behind. My biggest fear is to step out in faith in this huge way only to take back control. A lot of the preparation we are going through is causing all of us to submit so we can be positioned, which is the third key.
Pride is the greatest combatant of repentance. For us laying down our pride and recognizing what we have done wrong in the midst of what others are doing wrong to us, so we may be whole and complete as leaders, is vital to our ability to be positioned by God. Positioning takes full submission and willingness. My wife in the season have agreed that we will fail spectacularly or succeed in an epic fashion. I believe that hinges on our willingness to submit to the refinement process so we may fully be positioned. I believe likewise positioning is not just about us but also about whats ahead. Sometimes we find our selves in this place of preparation as God prepares us and the place for us so He can position us perfectly. And the greatest thing in the midst of it is that He does not leave us or forsake us to prepare a place for us, His ability to prepare us and the place for us is truly a great sign of His omnipresence and power. Its tough as we have traversed this journey we believed that Davis, was the place for us. We spent time money and energy focusing on Davis only to stop and ask the Lord why and found out Davis may have just been the tool for God to get us to where we are at. I can speculate all day as to why God spoke very clearly to us about Davis to get us here, but in reality its His will we are after and every door is open until He closes all the ones He doesn’t want us going through. Part of that process is His timing in positioning us in the right place. Its tough, though to be honest.
Not being in ministry often times leaves me feeling without an identity. It leaves me feeling like a failure. Im stepping out into this great call only to not be doing anything. And its moments like those that I feel like Im lost and destined for oblivion that I found myself relying on the peace of God to lead and sustain me, which gives me strength to submit to the preparation process which gives me faith that he is positioning us for something great. Describing this season is impossible as this season is so up and down and filled with self discovery when there isn’t ministry there to steel my attention. I know for the future of our church nothing is more important than a leader who is healthy and I would say whole but the reality is I dont think we will every be whole until the day we are in Heaven. My calling and the church God has called me to pastor depend on this season and the countless souls who will be touched and ministered to await my successful completion of this season. Regardless how hard it is, I will stand Therefore.