My name is Joshua and Im an addict. For the past 10 years Ive been addicted to ministry.
If you’ve read my last blog you are probably thinking I have some major issues. From detox to addiction I seem to be on a 12 step program. In a lot of ways I am. A spiritual cleansing of past garbage from a decade of ministry and restoration of identities. So thank you for being apart of my process.
I have an amazing family, but like most families we have had our bumps and bruises. These have resulted in a few of my family members dealing with 12 step programs. One in particular has been an amazing one, Celebrate Recovery. My brother went through it and it helped, heal and grow him. But, what do you do when Celebrate Recovery is your addiction?
No, Im not addicted to AA meetings, this isn’t fight club.
When I was in college I was told after I was taught to preach that it would be hard for me to hear another preacher speak without automatically picking it apart. It couldn’t have been more true. I find myself listening to pastors like watching a movie. Always trying to be one step ahead and figuring out the plot of the message before anyone. There have been times Ive been so far ahead I have word for word deciphered what these guys were going to say.
What does this have to do with my addiction?
People often times don’t recognize that like a chef, pastors cant just go get fed anywhere. Most of the time Sundays are a work day with responsibilities leaving us unable to receive. Let alone respond to an altar call because we are the ones praying for others. So who prays for us?
What this leaves is us searching for spiritual food to sustain us and help us grow. Yes, we have a relationship with God. But thats usually not enough. So we have books, accountability and podcasts.
For me I love the resources I get from friends and mentors I speak with weekly. I also love the content that Craig Groeschel and Mark Driscoll put out. If I could choose a speaking style I would love to have Craig Groeschels personal style with Mark Driscolls knowledge of the word. But, alas the world needs me and not a biblical love child of Groeschell and Driscol, your welcome world!
So as a pastor I have spiritual restaurants that I go to, to get fed so how does this play into my addiction to ministry?
When I am being fulfilled from other sources I do ministry. I spend countless hours pouring myself into strategy, planning, preparation, counseling and implementation to achieve the vision I have been called to accomplish by God, at least I hope its by God.
*Unfortunately a lot of visions I see are like youth group names; overused, cheesy and uninspiring.
You see I become ministry. Regardless of how many boundaries and how much I protect those boundaries, ministry dictates my family, my time and my focus. Its easy to get lost in doing ministry rather than being a ministry.
After a decade of youth ministry and over 20 years of serving in ministry (been doing this since 6th grade) ministry/being a pastor has become who I am.
I have tailored myself and my life to being optimal for ministry.
I NEED MINISTRY…
For a year and half I have not done ministry full time. I have a business card that says “Lead Pastor” on it but when I preach in my bedroom to a camera by myself, I don’t feel like much of one. This has left me lost.
Who am I if not a pastor. My addiction to ministry has weeded any idea of who I am out. I cant watch TV, movies or go places without thinking about ministry.
I went to Chucky Cheese a couple weeks ago and thought man this would be a great place to have church. Imagine it with me, preaching from the stage with the animatronic mouse while kids played in the ball pits and mom and dad sat in sticky benches.
You see I have ideas constantly but no avenue in which to see them come to fruition leaving me floating in a sea that once looked like a scene from Life of Pi, full of life and creativity. Now with no outlet and no one to “minister” to it feels more like a scene from the Perfect Storm.
Being a Pastor is what I went to school for, its what Ive been called to and chose to do with my life. Now without it I feel lost and overwhelmed.
In the last few weeks I really feel like the Lord has been challenging me that as much as I love Him, ministry is my mistress. I find more fulfillment in doing ministry than in abiding in him.
Ive been lost and scratching and searching for different things to do under the guise of planting a church, rather than abiding in Him and allowing Him to show me who He created me to be.
There are parts of me that from my upbringing and schooling have been repressed because they didn’t fit the ministry model of the traditional church. Im now discovering that those very things are what uniquely makes me the man God created me to be and are there for a purpose.
Im recognizing more and more how dependent I was on ministry to define me rather than God. Im a lover of God before I am a Pastor. Yet I have let being a Pastor and the job of reaching people define me rather than who God has called me to be.
I may be a pastor of 4 people for the rest of my life or it may be 4000, but I can no longer allow myself to be defined by ministry and or the baggage of being a pastor.
Don’t get me wrong Im not trying to say Im not held to a higher standard, I am and believe that whole heartedly. However its Gods standard not mans. You don’t like me or the way I do things, fine. But I will no longer be addicted to pleasing you under the guise of ministry.
Over a decade I feel beaten and berated into a box like a beaten dog afraid to leave its crate. These experiences have left me with emotional scars that have furthered my addiction, which at its root is people pleasing.
Its sad to me to see how many Pastors are hell bent on making there people happy as opposed to doing what is most beneficial for them and congruent with the Word of God.
But, thats what addiction does to you right? It makes you do things you thought you would never do, be who you thought you’d never be.
Maybe the worst side effect of ministry is that it stunts your growth. Studies show that you stop growing from the time you begin your addiction to the time you break your addiction. Leaving so many pastors who are addicted to ministry as stifled and stagnant because their growth is inhibited by their insecure need to please the people who pay the bills or in my case, can give me the pat on the back and confidence I feel like I need to be who God has called me to be.
Im broken, busted and disgusted with myself. But even more than that Im excited that this truly has been a season of “Detox” and breaking the addiction to ministry and getting back to what its all about.
Whats it all about?
Loving people and showing them Jesus. Creating opportunities for people encounter the power and love of God.
Im breaking my addiction, declaring freedom. But instead of that being some super spiritual ad-lib I will live my life as a pursuer of God journey with a group of people consisting of whoever wants to roll on this journey of faith we are reached called to.