So I know its been a while since Ive done a written update but right now thats whats happening I really just dont feel like video taping anything. So here goes….
Its been about 3 months since we have seen the neuro surgeon and we have been enjoying life with our little guy. Im not gonna lie its been tough to try and gauge how far behind developmentally he is from other kids but we try not to compare because not two kids are alike. We have started to see him grow and put on weight, (he is below average in his weight, height and growth for children his age). He hast started to recognize us and starting to smile more. Hes starting to make a lot of vocalizations and stay awake for longer periods during the day. Things have been great these past few months. Then there was today.
Like a punch to the gut our seemingly routine visit to the nuerosurgeon turned overwhelming and life changing all at once. The Dr. began a routine check that ended in a swirling vortex of thoughts and numbness. Have you ever been so overwhelmed you dont know how to feel. Its like all the emotions being crammed together and it just makes you numb. Im sure at this point your wondering what we found out. Well Judah’s skull has now fused together, normal for child growth. Except due to the fluid in his brain his middle section of his skull is bigger than the front or back. We have been working on tummy time and a new chair to allow his skull to grow out and become normal. Apparently the weight is over and the Dr. is now saying the next course of action for my 6 month old son is to do reconstructive skull surgery. We trust our Dr. and we dont doubt he knows whats best. But the idea of slicing my sons head from ear to ear and removing the front portion of his skull to remake it and reattach it to his skull is a tad bit unnerving.
We thought after we had the seizures under control we were in the clear and it was just a waiting game to find out the level of delay he would have. Now we are talking physical therapy to help with his movement (determined last week at his 6mth check up) and now reconstructive surgery. And to add to it we found out this last week that our out of pocket expenses for our medical insurance just doubled, when we thought we were totally paid off for the year. I guess what makes it tough is it feels like we were just catching our breath and now it feels like our breath is just gone once again. Dont get me wrong, we trust and know the Lord will provide and His hand is on Judah and at work in this situation. We find peace in that, we truly do. It just feels like instead of moving from “glory to glory” we are moving from “test to test”.
Honestly though this has become and continues to be a journey in every sense of the word. Most journeys start out hectic, crazy and full of plans and strategies which later are adapted and changed as the journey continues. However there is always that one point in the journey where the travelers are hit by setback after setback and just when you think there is success on the horizon they are hit by another setback. It seems the journey will never end and they have to just keep pushing through. And yes I can quote that setbacks are really setups but just like everything now a days, its easier to state that in 140 characters or less then actually live it.
For me personally I find this being the time where I identify with ” stand therefore”. The moments that make you say “really?” are the moments I find my spirit crying out “stand even though”. Lets be honest I may be crying, whining and cursing but Im standing. And each time I do I learn how to do so with a little less crying, whining and cursing. I know that serving God with my entire life meant my family as well but Im not sure I was ready for all of this.
Recently we went to a healing conference and I found myself instead of dealing with a lot of the things I thought I would be, dealing with a lot of hurt about why Judah has what he has. You see my flesh needs something to blame but my spirit and my faith and knowledge of who God is and what He has done in my life, wont let me blame God. So without something to blame Im solely dependent on my faith which often times feels weak and riddled with holes. With something to blame I can get mad at something, hate something and pray against something. With this, I cant blame, get mad at or pray against God, I have to trust His will. Because, thats what I know, His will is good and perfect. Its that thought alone that brings me the comfort I need. Because, this situation is Gods will. Its not me questioning why my family member who smoked for years died of lung cancer, its not me wondering why bad things happen to good people. Its not me believing God who sent His son to die on the cross would intently hurt a child, just because. NO!!! I have to believe and do believe based on the lover, mercy and grace God has shown in my life that there is a reason and a purpose for this and His glory will be shown through this. So my prayer goes from God heal this to God let your glory be shown through this. He is building us up as a couple, ministers and individually so that He can use us in greater ways because of this. But, it doesn’t take away how hard it is and can be. But, the greatest thing yet is to come, the fact that even though He has us go through these things He gives us the peace to traverse it and make it through.
I have begun to realize that the true indicator of where my faith is and how strong it is can be found in my first reaction. Do I reach for the comforts of this world or the comfort of God and how long did it take me to go to God. To me these are my personal tests of where my faith is. Im not perfect and I would love to say its my first rection but its getting there and daily Im a work in progress and will be until the day I am made perfect in the presence of God.
So to sum it up, when life punches you in the gut, catch your breath stand “therefore” and ask “is that all you got?!!” God has been, will be and continues to be loving, gracious and faithful. And to some of you who may read this and say well its because your a pastor, STOP. Im a broken imperfect man who fails just as much if not more than everyone else. He does it for us just like He WILL do it for you because He loves us and cares. No worry is too small, no fear to great and no situation too big.