Wow, So I haven’t wrote a blog in a long time. I guess maybe I was so overwhelmed with emotions, possibilities, frustrations and complications that I didn’t know where to start. I still don’t. I guess in the past months surrender has become my allie. And not in a good way, I can’t sit here and say I surrendered to God, like I wish. I surrendered to life and the pressure. You may ask how, in many ways is what I would reply. I feel like an analogy I heard once. If you look into the eyes of a lion in the wild you can see passion, fight and freedom. When you look into the eyes of a captive lion you see dark pools of black mirroring the trapped soul of the king of jungle. As each day passes I feel as if my eyes go dimmer and dimmer exuding the darkness that on days encompasses every thought and movement. Now I know some of you are thinking good God this guys is depressed. No, disappointed that I let myself get to where I’m at, yes. But I’m patiently waiting for the day that the fight, passion and freedom I once experienced in God exudes from every pore of my being like a glow stick cracking in the darkness to immediately illuminate the vastness of despair we reside in. And I look forward to that day ready to be the king God has called me to be and maul the man who has robbed me of my freedom, like Siegfried and roys tiger, un-explainable raw and powerfully. But how do I prepare. As I sit here I realize more and more that the power we receive from God is not necessarily in the power He gives us to heal or prophecy. But the power we posses in the freedom we have, because the hope He has given us. Our power comes from a hope in Christ. But what happens when despair and hopelessness robs us of our hope. Thus leaving us feeling like a paraplegic in a cement bath. What happens when you loose what your called to do and with that lose comes a sense of lose of worth. How do you regain your sense of hope and worth when you cant do what you know brings those senses.
What you have just been a reader to is the inner turmoil that plagues many young people and especially pastors kids. The inner turmoil of the warring mind and heart. Raised in church you know more than anything about God. But it becomes head knowledge and not heart knowledge. And as you walk you are walking a cerebral walk not a passion walk. Although there are moments of clarity and realism, most often than not you’re faced with logically trying to get your heart invest in something illogic. It’s a war of logic and emotion. And to find a balance is to settle. Some of you may face this daily, as I do. This struggle in its self is the catalyst to loosing hope. I guess that’s it for now.