So I had a conversation with someone recently about my blog. Their perspective was that I was coming across as bitter and angry. After our conversation this blog was written.
Some of you may have just started engaging with my writings as I have increased the frequency of which I write. However there is a archive of work that goes all the way back to May of 2004.
My blog is called The Journey. Thats exactly what it is, my journey. Just like history there will be seasons to my writing, dependent on where Im at and what Ive gone through.
For the last almost two years we have been on this journey of planting a church, it has yet to go according to plan. Mostly in my opinion because God has been cleaning house spiritually, physically and emotionally. This truly has been a time of great healing.
I use the phrase “I survived” in all honesty without trying to sound over dramatic or take away from what survivors like my wife (she was in a physically abusive marriage) have gone through.
But, as I write this I realize that unfortunately I am a survivor of the church and Im not the only one. Im reminded of the fall of Mars Hill and Mark Driscoll, who was and is a great influence in my life. There are literally websites dedicated to staff from Mars Hills to share their story and find people who have experienced the same thing. This brings about comfort and closure. Comfort you know that your not the only one and closure in being able to share.
You see Im no expert about survival but in my mind there was and is a sense of embarrassment that you somehow allowed that to happen to you. That you bought into this flawed identity that was being pushed on you by the hands of your abusers.
When that embarrassment subsides when healing begins to take place and along the process of healing there comes a time where there is no more embarrassment and you find freedom and closure in talking about it.
Its an all too familiar story of people leaving the church abused. Often times at the hands of other Christians and in some case leaders.
For me I survived the attacks and abuse of both.
You see Im not angry or bitter as some would suggest, Im literally finding freedom in sharing about it. For far too long there has been a culture in church leadership that screams secrecy. Don’t talk about the short comings of the leaders, don’t expose sin it will ruin and crumble everything. And when you leave a church you must have a diplomatic response for every question because God forbid the truth gets out it could do irreparable harm to the churches reputation.
So we hide the sins of the leader and the sins of the house hoping the facade of strength and purity holds together with the lies and false perspectives attached to it like duct tape.
I went to bible school and from day one it was a sham. I grew spiritually and made many great friends. However I accrued 80,000 dollars in school loans for a degree program that couldn’t promise me a job and the only one I had the option of getting paid on average 18,000 a year.
After a decade of full-time ministry I don’t remember anything I learned there. Starting out in ministry none of the things I was learning were actually helpful.
Ill be the first to admit I didn’t study like I should and held a C average and coasted through. Being a A student still would not have prepared me or equipped me for what I would face.
At the fundamental core of the organization I was involved in, there was a denial to deal with things in a healthy manner. It was and continues to be done politically without the protection and support of community.
So the college I attended developed its curriculum for pastors based around what looked good rather than what was necessary.
Nothing ever prepared me for what I would face first as a single young man in ministry or the abusive leadership I had on the horizon.
You see with complete transparency I had moral failures during ministry. What is a moral failure, its a political word used by the church to describe something they don’t want to describe that leaves everyone believing it was an inappropriate sexual situation. For me that was the case. I was sexually active as a Pastor.
I take full responsibility for this.
However in admitting and discussing this with some of my leadership, I shared how I knew a lot of people doing the same and how there was a need for safe mentorship and accountability.
Instead the idea was that you just put yourself in debt 80,000 for a job that didn’t pay nearly what it should and if you came out as having failed you would be sat for 2 years.
There was no grace no mercy no lets walk and work through this, just a simple your excommunicated for 2 years and then well let you back in.
Still not an excuse for my behavior but never the less still an issue, even today.
By the time I got to my first full time position I was making good money and two weeks in the tables turned. I was in the middle of the ghetto and was told that our demographic we were trying to reach was “35 year old white males who owned there home had a family and made 60,000 a year”. This was the same place where two weeks later a cop was murdered across the street from my house. I was also told that I would need to bring in 7 tithing families to facilitate my salary.
Little did I know that, their demographic desire would be my demise.
A year and a half later I was taken to Red Lobster and fired. I was told I was not bringing in the right people or working towards the vision of the Sr. Pastor.
The youth group was running almost 125 every week we saw almost 500 salvations during my time there. But alas my students were a tad too poor and too dark with parents who wouldn’t step into a church because they didn’t exist in their kids lives.
I even had a board member come to our service before my last day, since none of the board or pastors had ever, and afterwards offer me my job back. I refused knowing I wasn’t wanted.
It wasn’t till I called my leadership that I was told my Sr. Pastor had a history of running guys out of ministry and that he wished I had never gone there.
Needless to say I was bitter, broken and beside myself that this could actually happen at a church. My nice little church bubble had been burst and there was no putting it back together.
From there I interviewed for control freaks and worked for guys who were abusive verbally and in some cases physically. I worked for insecure leaders who had the complainers backs more than their staffs.
I was accused through anonymous text messages of stealing and inappropriate conduct.
I was thrown under the bus.
I watched one Sr. Pastor kick one of his worship team leaders in the crotch.
I was preaching Sunday morning services while my Sr. was getting drunk.
I have seen lying, cheating and stealing in the leadership and people of the church.
I had a Sr. Pastors wife tell my wife not to share our sons health condition on social media (we were making people aware and asking for prayer) because we didn’t know the whole story.
Ive worked at retirement home churches. Where the entire staff was there to collect a paycheck and tow the line rather than further the Kingdom.
I can go on and on and honestly if I was reading this at some point I would say well listen pal the only thing that all of this has in common is you. Maybe your the issue. I can honestly say that yes I was apart in good ways and bad ways the issue.
However a church is known for supposedly being a place of grace and mercy, at least in the faith community this is the idea. So in no way does anybody deserve to be treated poorly especially staff when they mess up.
Its sad that the world knows the church as often times the last place that you will receive grace even though they preach it.
From a very young age I have been dealing with this. From my dads board members trying to fight him. To watching him cry when his trumpet his dead father gave him was stolen from the church in the 2nd burglary in a month.
The financial pressure alone is crippling for pastors. Personally I believe that is where a lot of fear comes in as Pastors find a secure financial place and hold on for dear life never wanting to rock the boat.
So they don’t change, grow and push vision, they pacify so the people don’t get pissed and leave taking there money with them. All the while they forget that if your not growing your dying and eventually the church will die because of lack of vision and strong leadership.
You see I share this not just to enjoy the closure and freedom of this all, but in hopes that maybe just maybe, someone will read this and understand that there is a need to go above and beyond the 30 second prayer most of do when we see the cute picture on social media that says pray for your pastor.
Maybe someone will read this and have an eye opening moment of realizing that when your pastor took the position it wasn’t just him it was him and his family. And that they will gladly put themselves in harms way to reach in the fire to just pluck one person because Gods call is the most important thing in their lives.
By no means are Pastors perfect and some of them are down right monsters. However there are the ones who will always wear a smile and always lend a hand and always show the Love of God no matter what they are going through at the hands of the people they serve or serve with.
I started this by saying I survived. But in reality I think thats only applicable when I retire. Lord knows just in the time since we have launched we have had our own hurts by the people we served and served with.
But regardless of how people treat us it was and will never be about our obedience to men it was always about our obedience to God.
And that is where we find ourselves. Happy to know that we are being obedient to God and the things He has called us to.
So from this point on I hope that any of you who have read this understand that there isn’t bitterness or anger. Just hope. Hope that this will open people eyes to how to serve and pray for their leadership. Hope that we can change the reputation and culture of the church by the way we love people, love our staff and create a church culture that tangible shows the love of God everyday.