So as many of you know we are expecting our 2nd child Judah Zion Macciola in a matter of weeks. OK Pause….. Listen this is my blog my site my words my feelings what Im going through and processing. I just have to be honest and if your reading this Im assuming its because you care and if you got the link to this its because I care, so lets start there, we care about each other. So if I care and you care then we should be able to be honest with one another so this is me being honest because I care and want you to know whats going on. But to get to now I have to talk about before and its not so pretty but the fact I am where I am today is a very beautiful sign of Gods mercy and grace in my life. Understand, this is informational and an opportunity for me to process what Im feeling and going through. I hope you understand, if not, stop reading here….
TIME IN…..Since I was 18 years old and probably earlier I have dreamed of having a son, a strong little stud to carry on the name that I could teach to be a real man, play basketball and preach. I envisioned him as an NBA player who could move in the prophetic while dunking on people on a national stage. As Ive grown I have attempted time and time to jump start a family, probably in all the ways you are thinking about in your head right now. From jumping into relationships to jumping into bed. I was self sabotaging myself. I knew I didn’t want a child and yet loved to talk about family and one day being a father. So when I married my best friend, I had the beginnings of the greatest family ever. Our prayer was 3-5 years after we were married we wanted our first child. Well Aug. 28th 2011 one day before the completion of 3 years of marriage my world was flipped upside down when my amazingly beautiful daughter Lily was born. Needless this was not the boy I had hoped and dreamed for since 18. However it was even better! It was in that moment that God revealed how much He loved me. Lily awakened a love in me I had never felt. So 6 mths after she was born our lives took it up a notch so to speak when we found out Dana was pregnant with our newest child. When that magical day came and it was time for the ultrasound, someone forgot to tell us we couldn’t bring Lily with us into the room. So as mom found out the sex, dad rocked Lily to sleep in the waiting room with a look of fury and frustration mixed with longing. I dont remember what Dana said to me when she told me we were having a boy, I just remember being aware that I was smiling with my entire body. I had never felt a smile like I did that moment, my heart was overcome and my longing to have a son was fulfilled and I felt complete.
Skip to about 6-8 weeks ago. My wife starts going to the Dr. more frequently as she gets closer to the due date, which is all standard and normal. About 4-6 weeks ago the Dr. noticed the circumference of her stomach was not on track with what is considered normal. So out of precaution she ordered an ultrasound. Turns out my wife was 2cm short of normal. So we watched it and a few weeks later she went for another only to find out that she was in normal range and had no issues. She then went back about 3 weeks ago and once again was 1cm short of the desired circumference. Due to this the Dr. ordered another sonogram which took place this past Tuesday at 10am. I called about an 1.5 hours later to an optimistic wife and mother who stated that if there was an issue the Dr. would call otherwise we would see her next week as she is now on weekly visits due to her being so close to the due date. A half hour after I hung up the phone I received a devastating phone call, that Judah had fluid on his brain and that we needed to see a specialist ASAP. I mean we were like weeks away here from the due date, we could see the finish line and all of the sudden like that sad moment when the runner who has given all they have has their body shut down and the crumble just feet from the finish line, as others start to pass they try and try and try to crawl, slither and inch their way to no avail they are stopped dead in their tracks. That was Tuesday. Wednesday was a blur of frustration, anger, prayer, concern, sadness and hope. You see I learned something the moment I got that phone call, I learned where my faith level was and is. Im sad to say my faith in God was not my 1st reaction or even 2nd. Our faith is not tested in moments of moderate concern or even severe concern, those are just quizzes. Our faith is tested when the very things you stand on to face those moderate and sever concerns is brought tumbling down and you are in a free fall of despair, dark numbness and the only thing you know how to do is stare blankly and in moments of clarity cry. Thats why I hope for our sake and yours that our faith is a high priority because when that foundation you built on, whether its financial, relationships or possessions, crumbles….you will free fall to the place you have prioritized your faith. I hope for your sake its not a long fall, because its been the Word of God and our Faith in the promises of God that have cushioned our fall and safely held us.
This morning at 645 we embarked on a journey that would only take us deeper down the rabbit hole. We arrived at the specialists office, which I really must say was nice and had really squishy carpet which I thought was a very smart thought on someones part, as the practice only deals with pregnant women whose feet usually hurt. But, as a big guy, I enjoyed the squishy carpet as well. But, squishy carpet, nice couches and a very personable Dr. would not cushion the blow that was just over 2 hours away. As I sat and Dana laid on a table covered in what reminded me of my Jr. High hair gel days, the lights went out and the Dr. began the tedious task of checking every inch of our sons body. As I sat in stunned silence hoping, praying and waiting to hear the words, “someone must have been high over in Vallejo cuz your son is completely healthy and has no fluid on his brain”. Just so you know when I have dialogue with people in my head regardless of whether or not its the pope, they all sound like they are from a 90’s hip hop movie. Regardless of how or what she said I was ready for the report that would ring out Gods Glory throughout the nations, I was even ready to share with her the fact that it was not a mistake but a miracle and that God had touched our sons body, and then proceed to get her, the staff and any other patients in the office healed and saved in Jesus name! And yet I found myself with no words, just tears. I remember hearing the prognosis and sitting there with what must have been a shocked look as my hand covered my mouth and I FOUGHT back tears. There was no healing there was no salvations. There was just a family hurting and an all powerful God who was holding us in His embrace telling us how much He loved us. You see in those moments when the foundation we have built on things other than God crumble, its those moments when you stand sad with hurt and in pain as a parent but at peace knowing it was never ours in the first place. Judah just like Lily has been entrusted to us by God and they were His before we got them and they are still His while we have them and will be His when we dont. So almost like an infomercial for hurting children that brings you to tears, we stood there crying for our child knowing in His peace is where we are residing and that He is in charge and His will is good and perfect.
You see when she came in and told us that everything in our son was healthy from his heart limbs, liver, kidney and physical features as well as the umbilical cord and the placenta we were overtaken by a sense of false hope that built us up only to let us down moments later when she shared that his brain had stopped developing before it completed. As she described it in the middle of your brain there is a banana shaped section that runs the middle of the interior of the brain that had not, from what she could see, had finished developing. I asked if it could develop in the next few weeks, she responded with a definitive no. She said that what had developed was good and would grow and the part that was not there was not crucial in comparison to the other parts. It was the next bomb that dropped that rocked me to my core. She believes with strong certainty that he will need a shunt to help funnel the fluid from his brain to a place where his body can absorb it. But the brain is like a sponge so it is absorbing this fluid and increasing in size which is pushing it against the sides of the skull. Due to the combination of these things the Dr. expects that he will have some developmental delays and possibly have some special needs. In addition to this Dana is going to have to visit the Dr. in Sacramento once a week until she delivers and Judah will need to be born in Sacramento. The Dr. did share that Dana’s best and safest form of delivery will be C-Section which will take place at 39-39.5 weeks. This means she will have to be in the hospital for 4 days and it will take approx. 2 weeks for her to be up moving again. During this time Judah will be in the NICU where the Nuero Surgeon will do a few MRI’s to determine the situation in greater detail and then possibly 7 days later put a shunt into his head. We may be sent home and then have to bring him back for the surgery. Dana will go to Sac. once a week to do stress tests and as long as everything is ok we will be good to go around Nov. 12th for Judah. However if things get worse then he will be here sooner.
For years I have always loved special needs children from a strange place. I would cry out of compassion for them and my heart breaks. Through the years I have had the privilege of having special needs students in my youth groups and have been blessed by them and loved on them. But at my core my greatest fear was that my kid would be special needs and by that I mean Autistic or have mental retardation. My fantasy at 18 was to have all boys who played basketball and football and were strapping examples of the human species. And today I was presented with the possibility that my son could be a special needs child. Now, I pray for those of you have read this and may have special needs children that you understand my heart and do not take offense. Im not talking about loving my son any less because he may be slower or not have the mental capacity to learn as fast or like others. My heart breaks because of the limits he might face. In all honesty I fear for myself and my wife and what a life of taking care of a child with special needs will be like. And remember we dont know to what extent all this will be to. Even as I write this I feel ashamed as that seems so selfish to me, that Im scared because of what it will take for us and what it means as a family. Im scared I wont love him like I love his sister because we wont be able to do the same things. Im scared that Ill treat him wrong, Im scared Ill get frustrated and get angry. Im scared most of all of not knowing. But Im scared most of all that Ill let me fears win.
For years I have always loved special needs children from a strange place. I would cry, out of compassion for them and my heart breaks. Through the years I have had the privilege of having special needs students in my youth groups and have been blessed by them and loved on them. But at my core my greatest fear was that my kid would be special needs. My fantasy at 18 was to have all boys who played basketball and football and were strapping examples of the human species. And today I was presented with the possibility that my son could be a special needs child. Now, I pray for those of you have read this and may have special needs children that you understand my heart and do not take offense. Im not talking about loving my son any less because he may be slower or not have the mental capacity to learn as fast or like others. My heart breaks because of the limits he might face. In all honesty I fear for myself and my wife and what a life of taking care of a child with special needs will be like. And remember we dont know to what extent all this will be to. Even as I write this I feel ashamed as that seems so selfish to me, that Im scared because of what it will take for us and what it means as a family. Im scared I wont love him like I love his sister because we wont be able to do the same things. Im scared that Ill treat him wrong, Im scared Ill get frustrated and get angry. Im scared most of all of not knowing. But Im scared most of all that Ill let my fears win.
The pain of this situation is compounded by the fact that several years ago I was in a relationship that resulted in a son. The details are unimportant at this time but even after pursuing legal action I was denied the ability to be apart of his life. So right now more than ever the enemy is pouring salt on an open wound as he loves to remind me that somewhere in Tennessee I have a healthy fully functional son and know the son I actually get to raise and be apart of his life is going to have special needs and developmental delays. It stirs the anger, frustration but try as he might it does not cause me to question God. It doesn’t cause me to curse God and die. I trust God. He has been and is so good to me that if the rest of my life looked like Jobs without the reward I could not curse Him and die.
You see even if God didn’t heal my son, for whatever His reasons may be. I know that His ways are higher than mine and His will is good and perfect. So if I can believe those in the times when things are good and quote them to people. I better believe those things for myself and often times repetitively quote those things to myself. And when the day comes that Judah is here, just like Leah did in the Word, WE WILL PRAISE GOD! Please hear me, Im not resigning myself to what the Dr.s say. This blog is not me declaring those things for my son. I believe WHOLE HEARTEDLY that God is going to heal Judah and that just like Lazarus, every step and every breath (after Jesus raised him from the dead) was a testimony to how good and powerful God is. We pray fervently, faithfully and believe passionately that he will be healed. Tuesday as we began this journey God gave me a word of encouragement He brought the revelation that the heart of worship is formed when you feel like you have nothing to worship for. In those moments when you feel like you have no reason to praise God, when life is tough and complicated, those are the moments when we MUST violently worship God in tears and clenched teeth I have found myself listening to a song called Hallelujah by The Digital Age and it simply just repeats the word Hallelujah. I cant get too many more words out than that but as its known as the highest form of praise its all I need to say. Regardless the outcome He was, is and will be worthy of our praise.
Since this journey began we have felt so much love and support from all over the World. We are grateful for it all and ask that you guys continue to keep us in prayer. This situation with Judah is by far our number 1 priority and biggest concern. But, currently we have a few other things on our plate that, if you have read this far already it must mean that you REALLY care and would keep these other things in prayer as well. We currently own our home in TX and have been carrying it for almost 7 months now. We have gone through all of our savings and can not afford it any longer. We are trying to rent it again but would like it to sell. Come Jan. when Dana has to go back to work we dont know how we are going to afford to put our children in childcare and afford to live. We have not reached the place where we can have Dana stay home but with these new finding with Judah her insurance is top notch and we will definitely need them. Right now as the protector and provider for my family Im realizing so much more that Im not either one of those. Im realizing that all I am is a steward of what God has given us. From finances, my wife and my kids, Im just a steward of all of this. God is the protector and provider. So we thank those of you who have been partnering with us through this and ask that you keep these other areas in prayer as well. Not knowing the future and how we are going to make it truly is a season of stretching for this big organized planner.
Our biggest and most sincere thanks to all of you who have expressed your love and support and prayers for us and Judah. We look forward to celebrating with you all the miracle that God is orchestrating now. Day by day this doesn’t get easier but it does build our faith because we have nothing left to put our hope in. Our hope is in the Lord. My wife and I have been taking communion daily as a recognition of Jesus body that was broken so that we may be whole and His blood that washed us clean. We are believing that Judah’s body will be made whole and that he will be cleansed from any effects from this, perfect and healthy will he be when he is born. If you would like to join us in taking communion and praying for Judah you dont need actual wafers and grape juice. Its not what you take its what it represents and what you do it in remembrance of. My wife and I have been using goldfish and juice or water.
I know for most of you your life goes on and you have your own issues and situations that are requiring your attention prayer and faith. But isn’t it a great thing that its not about what we can allot our faith to but the fact that our God is big enough for ALL of our situations and that His will is good and perfect! Because of all this my wife and I are looking at possibly having a night of worship to celebrate and worship God for what He is doing and going to do. So if you are interested follow us on facebook or twitter and as it develops we will let you know. I look forward to celebrating and worshiping God with you.
Thank you all again for your amazing support and love!