If you have ready any of my previous writing a few things are apparent. One, Im a writer but not a grammatical genius. I have run on sentences that rival the great wall. Two, I don’t write puffy encouragement pieces that will illicit singing birds and pictures of daffodils.
When I write I write as a way to process. Sometimes its passionate, practical and personal. Sometimes its dark, angry and introspective. I write because Ive found that it helps me deal with the things I have experienced. I don’t see a shrink I just talk to the voices in my head. Often times the conversation ends in a blog post. In reality often times the things Im working through are things the Holy Spirit is revealing to me and taking me through. I write it because I feel like there is hope in my struggle for someone.
Often times leaders will tell you that you need to get from point A to point B, but never how to. I believe that there is as much beauty and hope in the journey as there is in the conclusion. So I write….
Im an Italian Irish mix. What that means is I am quick to anger and use my hands like an ASL interpreter. For me a filter is my biggest struggle. My wife God bless her, is often the brunt of my filterless ignorance. She is kind, brave, patient and a true example of Gods unselfish grace at work.
For me Ive been learning that self control is a lost art. Much more than a lost art, it is at the core of my flesh and the moral decay of our society. Today, “if you feel it do it” has become the anthem of a society lost looking for fulfillment in something.
At its core self control is all about self. For me this has been and continues to be a tough idea. Growing up I had a father who lived for everyone but his family in practice. In his perspective everything he did was for his family. Don’t get me wrong my father was and is a great man. He struggled with anger my entire childhood. After a divorce and burn out in ministry he is the best he’s ever been. He’s always had a heart for people. He’s kind, gentle and caring, but with us we got angry, frustrated and tired.
This not an entry on my dad, but rather a quick back story into why I struggle with some of the things that I do.
You see the church always got the best of my dad, it was a low paying, selfless lifestyle that produced nothing but stress at home. Imagine giving your best to people who did nothing but stab you in the back and take and take and take. The stories I could tell you about what my parents went through would make you sick.
Yet, at its very core my dad and I have no one to blame but ourselves. When you put your all into broken people and then they break, what do you expect. You see when your a pastor and the finances of the church depend not on how people are obedient to the Word of God but how they feel about the job you are doing, it leaves a culture of people pleasing. This culture is doomed from the start to self implode.
Even as a new church planter in the first month I experienced this first hand. However as I process the pain and the frustration during the fall out, I’ve come to the realization that its ok to say no to people.
This simple yet profound word is not a negative but rather a positive for other things. Saying no to people means more saying yes to my family. Like liquor, having a private reserve of time, energy and emotion for my family means that I cant give all myself away to others.
In a social media society people have 24 hour access to the life you allow them. For me I used to and still do look at my life as an open book for people. I believe vulnerability is key for leaders to be as effective as possible in helping lead people on their journey of faith.
Theres a difference between transparency and access. Anybody can see through a window but not everyone can come in the house.
When I first started saying no to people it was out of anger and bitterness for the things they did or said. I felt guilty because my heart was not pure; however, as I have healed and God continues to work on me, I find myself saying no without the guilt.
Recognizing that some people just don’t need or deserve access to your life leaves you in a place to be more effective in protecting yourself and your family.
Selfishness is a good thing. Its just as weird to write and think that as Im sure it is to read that, but it is true! The more you protect yourself the healthier you stay enabling you to function as the best you.
Thats not to say become a self hoarder, it simply means there needs to be a balance of pouring out to how much is being poured in. You cant pour out whats not there and I think for a lot of pastors this becomes a hard truth as we are selfless in nature but to a detrimental point.
Had I said no to how I was treated, the amount of things I did or the people I allowed to have unfettered access to m Iy life, I would probably be a lot less scared than I am today.
You see the enemy is really good at preying on our hearts to manipulate us into a state of guilt and in the process creating an unhealthy addiction.
For me and my father I see the pattern of the enemy manipulating our heart for people into a mindset of guilt. Meaning, that if we didn’t give people all of us or the best of us we felt guilty because we are pastors and “thats what pastors are supposed to do.” It honors God, but in reality the guilt drove us to destroy ourselves by creating an addiction to others by people pleasing. After so long of doing something we need it to feel like ourselves.
I recognize that Im speaking for my father but in reality its just outward speculation based on my own revelation and understanding.
Ive come to understand that the best way to give God my best and my family my best is by being the best me possible. This means saying no to others at times and saying yes to me. This means saying no to people having a digital seat to the theater that is my life and limiting access to people who would benefit and I would benefit from having physical and digital community with.
Usually I feel like I have some profound or insightful take away but in reality I don’t have one. I just need to say no to others more and yes to myself more, for my family’s sake and the Kingdom’s sake. Everyone benefits when Im the best me.