Preface:
Originally I was not going to include this preface, but after letting this sit a while I realize that this letter could potentially hurt some of the people we have met along 10 years of ministry and that is not my heart. We have had some amazing times with amazing people that we are still in relationship with today. We are grateful for these relationships and people. This letter is more of a metaphorical break up of my caring too much about peoples personal opinions of me and the ministry Im called to. As well as providing some insight for readers on the thought process, perspective and trials faced by pastors today. I am passionate about the church this letter is to the people in the church.
Dear Church People,
I truly hope this letter finds you happy and healthy both spiritually and physically. I want you to know that I really do love you and care about you. However I can no longer continue our relationship.
We have been together all my life and Ive come to the realization that we are in a codependent relationship that has me giving you the best of me but has left me beaten and broken.
You have so much potential and are called to great and amazing things. You were created to overcome, conquer and live life abundantly. But you don’t need me to do it.
When we started this relationship, it was amazing. Just like all things that are new have this sense of awe and wonder which creates a natural excitement. I knew from the beginning you were broken but was excited when I didn’t see any major issues just some minor ones we could work on together to get you back on track. Unfortunately that turned out to be a hope filled disillusionment.
You see while I knew you were broken you put me on a pedestal and paid me to be perfect. You wanted me to cater to you when you needed me but never wanted to cater to what I needed from you.
I have to take credit for knowing you were broken and apparently being naive to the reality of that brokenness. Even when I saw your relationship with my parents abuse and abandon them I still pursued you.
As I write this I recognize its my fault for letting this go on for so long. Making this even harder than it should have been.
Our relationship has been at points amazing. When we pursued God together and saw Him do amazing things, it was beyond amazing. Then for no reason you relegated yourself back to where you once were.
We were on a journey together and you just threw a temper tantrum that had you had it your way would have stopped the bus so everyone could focus on you until you felt better about yourself and wanted to continue the journey.
When we didn’t stop for it you blamed me saying “you don’t care and you never did”. Never realizing you weren’t the only one on the bus and the choices you made were yours not mine.
You wanted to pay me to make you feel good and when you stopped feeling good because you were convicted or God was showing you things about yourself that needed to change, you stopped giving.
Like when I was a child and my parents would hold my toys for ransom if I did not behave you withheld your giving to “teach me a lesson”. Never realizing that you were putting my family in a tough spot. Your thoughts were I have the power instead of Im surrendered and obedient to God in all areas including my giving.
Your concept of me is as flawed as my naive hope filled fantasy of your level of brokenness. I was never meant to be a panderer or yes man. I have always been called to challenge you, point you in the direction you needed to go and encourage you along the way.
I was never meant to strap you to my back and run your race for you, I was running my own. Maybe you read the footprints poem too much. But your race has been and always will be your own.
Your life, relationship with God and family are based on your decisions not mine or what I do and don’t say from the pulpit or in private counseling.
You don’t go on a road trip with a GPS, plug in the coordinates and then sit in the car with it running and wait to get to the destination. No! You drive and follow the directions and get to your destination.
My job is to get you good directions not chauffeur you.
And yet when you complained about me or slandered or gossiped or sent me anonymous text messages accusing me of terrible things or tried to physically fight me or lie to me. I never stopped helping you overcome your porn addiction or visit you in the hospital or pray with you or walk you through your struggling marriage.
And yet where were you when my family faced the devastating news that my son was going to be born missing part of his brain or when he started having seizures. Instead of the love and support and encouragement I gave, you acted out what you told my mother “you are the pastor, your supposed to hear my problems Im not supposed to hear yours”.
Our relationship has taken its toll on me physically as I have worked 15 hour days for weeks on end to provide you with the best opportunities possible for you to discover just how amazingly you were created. Spiritually as I cared so much I felt despair, hopeless and depressed when I saw you return to your old ways forsaking the awesome things we had just seen God do. Mentally when the stress of trying to make you happy made me a grumpy and irritable man at home and strained my marriage.
The thing is I take responsibility for all of it.
Thats why I must end our relationship now.
I realize that my call is to love people as they will let me, preach the Word of God and be obedient to His directing. Regardless of how you feel about it, think about it and like it.
If you want to leave, leave.
If you want to stop paying tithes, thats between you and God as its His word your in direct disobedience of.
If you want to call me names and talk about me behind my back, go for it.
This break up means I no longer give you the power to control me through any means. Emotionally, spiritually and physically you will no longer shape who I am. Im going to do the things I need to do to be the healthiest I need to be for myself and my family. Out of that health I will lead and if you follow, wonderful we will journey together. But, you will no longer lead me, thats a position only God can hold.
It has been said so many times before, but in reality its true.
Its not you its me.
I need to work on me.
I love you but Im not IN love with you.
I will try to remember the good times and not dwell on the bad times. I truly hope that this leads to an amazing breakthrough for you as the ball is in your court.
From this moment forth you will decide what kind of relationship you will have with me. Because I have decided the relationship I will allow myself to have with you.
Im ending the cycle.
With my sincere wishes for a prosperous future,
Joshua David Macciola
A Free Man