Whats my motivation…
I’d say its what Jesus did on the cross for me, but in reality, Im too selfish for that to motivate me daily.
So like most I have a few news years resolutions, why? Because last year I kinda sucked at a bunch of stuff and I want to do and be better. But, and automatically we all start to think here comes the excuses, in reality Im doing it out of the hope that if Im better my year will be better.
Don’t worry Im not going to list out my resolutions, for two reasons. One I don’t think anyone cares that much to read all of them and two Im not sure Im going to be able to keep all of them. So rather than telling you and failing miserably I will keep it to myself and share my success. Because everyone knows that we love success stories almost as much as we like to watch peoples personal train wrecks. If you don’t believe me just go to youtube and type in the word “Fail”. Just so you don’t think Im a winning pessimist I did and there are 29.4 million videos dedicated to people failing.
Every new years resolution comes from a place of motivation. As I stated earlier I suck and want to be better. Some of you may read that and think wow does he have an image issue, thats tough language. Lets be honest, Im awesome but Im flawed. Im the sum total of all my choices and experiences in life over the past 34 years. Im not a straight “A” student when it comes to life. Ive made my mistakes and suffered many consequences and learned valuable insight and wisdom. Out of that wisdom I have discovered that one of the greatest motivations in life for me is accountability. If I say Im going to do something I feel the pressure, drive and motivation to not just do it but do it with excellence.
However, as I grow older I have also learned that a lot of my motivation and drive comes from the pressure I place on myself to please people. Unfortunately this people pleasing perspective has come from a place of abuse at the hands of spiritual leaders in my life. I know that sounds really heavy, and it is, but Im not a victim. Im simply recognizing the cause because I see the effect.
You see you cant have motivation without first recognizing where you are and how you got there and changing the things that have caused you to get there. So in a short recap I will share the highs and lows in life for the year of 2014. First the highs…
We made it. Over a year and a half ago when I left a good paying ministry job to pursue planting a church we lost almost 2/3rds of our income. God has and does continue to provide. Lily turned 3 and is the most beautiful, smart and funny little girl I know. Judah had his first Christmas without a surgery, allowing us to actually celebrate Christmas fully this year. As well as started to crawl and has apparently become a ninja nascar crawler. He sneaks up on you in 3 seconds flat! My wife continues to be the amazing, hard working and most gracious person I have ever met. We launched our church, Authentic, on Sept. 20th. I preached 10 times and those messages were viewed almost 700 times across 12 countries and multiple continents. We gave almost 2000 dollars to both Convoy of Hope and Courage House.
As for the lows, in the famous words of Flo-ryda we got “low, low, low, low, low, low, low”. We continue to be in thousands of dollars of medical debt. Judah had 3 major surgeries, two that have made his skull a medical grade jigsaw puzzle. He stopped eating and was loosing weight. We battled health issues, what seemed to be all year round. For me I struggled with depression, my weight and achieving the wonderful goal of becoming diabetic. We launched our church with people who had been our biggest cheerleaders for years only to have all of them leave a month after we launched (despite how this sounds it was a good thing, painful but good), leaving only 4 of us as the entire body of Authentic. We lost both of our cars in an attempt to continue to create a viable financial picture for our family. The stress of finances, Judah’s health and no foreseeable end in sight to either, put a major strain on our marriage. We were denied multiple times all the government help we could find that we could apply for. My walk with the Lord became more of a one armed army crawl. We were gossiped about, slandered and written off as incompetent. To wrap up the year we lost my amazing Aunt to cancer.
Needless to say 2014 was a struggle. But heres the kicker, we had word after word after word about how God was going to do some amazing things and our breakthrough was coming. Some from credible sources and some from what turned out to be not so credible sources. Another lesson learned. But as the clock struck midnight and we celebrated that we could finally go to bed, there was no breakthrough, there was no fruition of the words. It felt as if God told us to walk the plank but in His ever gracious heart gave us floaties to survive. Just enough buoyancy to not drown but certainly not enough to keep us from the crashing waves that would take us under.
So heres my issue with 2015. Emotions are a flesh response to our circumstances. As a believer my response must come from my faith. Well often times in 2014 my fear of my circumstances overshadowed my faith leaving me hopeless in a constant state of despair and depression. And if we are totally honest a lot of it had to do with finances. Not because we worship money, which we were accused of, but because to survive you need money especially when you have a child whose medication costs hundreds of dollars just so he doesn’t have seizures.
Now please hear me, Im not complaining simply coming clean about why Im left with the question of, “Whats my motivation” for 2015. Theres a hundred different ways both logically and biblically to look back and say that it was a great year and God was amazing. All of them true. However what happens when 2015 doesn’t have any prospect of looking different than 2014. Why should I be motivated to change. Why should I be motivated to do anything differently. And regardless of what you may think, those are fair questions to ask.
A quick note to all those super spiritual people who want to quote scripture and call me out for feeling these feelings or sharing them and not burying them deep until they rise up and produce bitter fruit. David was declared by God as a man after His own heart. Yet as you read through Psalms and look at his lifestyle, David comes across as bipolar. One minute its praise the Lord the next God why do you hate me. So I believe Im in good company.
The problem with me is my flesh. My flesh feeds my feelings. My feeling aren’t my faith. When my flesh goes unchecked because Im distracted by my situations, my feelings rage on and keep me in a downward spiral of a false reality. As a believer my faith has to trump my feelings. When my feelings are in check because my flesh is in check because my faith is in check because my focus is on God and not my circumstances, then I face everyday as a conqueror and not a coward.
So again whats my motivation. Gods love? Gods grace? NOPE. Both are amazing but bring me no solace when I face an empty bank account or another surgery for Judah or the bitter and sad behavior of broken people. What brings me peace, a peace that passes all understanding is the Holy Spirit. Thats what brings comfort and peace in times where my flesh is raging, but only when I tune my ear into His voice. Only when I choose to STOP and listen.
I often base my spiritual health on my reaction time. How long does it take for me to stop freaking out and start engaging my faith. That length of time to me is a great indicator of where Im at spiritually.
All of this is good, but still doesn’t give me motivation, it gives me hope that 2015 may look the same now but at least its not hopeless because Gods with me. Which again is a great thing but not motivation. No one says Im walking through the valley of the shadow of death so let me grab some people so there lives suck just like mine. God with me is not the same as God is at work.
So whats my motivation…
Gods faithfullness.
Every word that we received that was and is from the Lord will come to pass. Gods faithfulness throughout my life, the Word of God and other peoples testimony of Gods faithfulness is my motivation for 2015. Its what makes me put one foot in front of the other. Head down devotion as I trudge through the garbage and muck of my own humanity and the broken humanity that is this world. Its His word that motivates me. When His word tells me I have a hope and a future, that His ways are higher than mine, that His will is good and perfect, that He is my vindicator.
Its Gods faithfulness and not my feelings that motivate me to be resolute that this is the year the day and the moment that God has made so I will be glad and rejoice in it.
Am I going to feel that every day, probably not. Should I feel that every day, absolutely. But head down, one foot in front of the other keeps me going. When I feel like an idiot, who cant do anything right and is so far out of his league in what he is doing its Gods faithfulness to His word that reminds me that He started the work in me and He will finish it! Im not a lost cause, Im a leviathan for the Kingdom of Heaven. And just like a train it takes a bit to get traction, but when Im moving head down one foot in front of the other Im going to hit my stride and my head will raise and with my eyes lifted toward heaven I will look upon this year with awe and wonder at what God did, is doing and started.
THATS MY MOTIVATION!!