As I sit and stare with nothing but a blank look on my face and my ipod firmly embedded in my ears, I watch, I listen. Using my ipod as a defense from having to be forced into an unwanted conversation with a total stranger, I act distracted and not open to socialization. Why? Why would I play such a game, such an ice-cold game of separation from this world and its surroundings? I ponder what it’s for. Looking intently, listening for the smallest hint of tragic interest to distract me from my greatest struggle….my mind.
If I can only watch others and either gain hope by their tragic attempt to portray wholeness or learn from those who have a refined sense of self worth that protrudes through their pores often overwhelming at times. What can I do, SOMEONE DISTRACT ME! I can’t take it anymore the pressure the stress, the unwanted and un-needed criticism; at every turn there is a struggle a comment, a failure. I just want to watch someone else fail, so I can be the one to criticize, so I can be the one to shake my head. As they move about this place hurried as if pleasure wont wait, or that meeting is too important, I realize, my head is spinning my thoughts are rapid fire, I cant control it I’m overwhelmed I wish someone would just hit restart and let me do it again. Get me out of this hole but let me retain the directions to navigate around the hole next time. IT’S NOT FAIR. I franticly search for the quality in each passerby that redeems me. The one that says you don’t do that so you’re better than them. I look for that encouraging flaw that says you’re better than them. WHY? Why must I play this game?
Then like a man being drug to the bottom of the ocean is let free and breaks the plain of the surface to enjoy his first gasping breathes it hits me. They are doing something, anything but sitting down and watching it all pass by. Like a retired grandfather watching the cars pass in front of his house its easier to complain about what I don’t like than it is to do something I like. Because pointing out others failures is easier than putting myself in a position for someone to do it to me. But Id rather be known as a person moving toward a purpose rather than a person watching others walk by. Watch me fall, watch me fail, watch me stumble but watch me pass you by. If I stop to contemplate my shortcomings I might sit down and never get up. But If I stay focused and keep moving, Ill be less likely to fall into the trap of my mind.